Please Stop Making War Movies
I would say that you couldn’t pay me enough to watch a war movie, but joke’s on me, I ended up seeing Dunkirk in theaters a few weeks back. Of course, I could complain that my cousins forced me to sit in the front of the theater and I was too close to fully absorb the IMAX experience but what I will say is that I figured out why the hell I hate war movies so much.
Everybody looks the same.
Dunkirk is property of Warner Bros.
Cropped hair, or combed back, every sad eyed young boy has the sandy brown colored hair, and obviously, everybody’s wearing the same damn thing.
Truthfully, I’ve only seen two war movies, one being Dunkirk and the other being Pearl Harbor. The only person I could actually identify in that behemoth of a movie was Cuba Gooding Jr. for obvious reasons. In Dunkirk, it was Harry Styles. Instead of enjoying the film, I found myself thinking “It’s that guy from One Direction, but which one?” I have the same issue with 1D as I do with war movies. They all blend together, except for Zayn.
I just want to know what makes people care about war movies so much? It’s the same story over and over again, especially when it’s about World War II. One could argue that Inglorious Basterds is just as much as a war movie as Saving Private Ryan is but you and I both damn well know what I’m talking about.
Maybe it’s the idea of an anonymous man being the savior of some terrible situation, because let’s be real, I’ve never met a woman who was interested in war movies. Also, we already know the end, we’re gonna win, or we’re gonna lose, there’s no in between. Of course, with other war pieces, it’s more ambiguous depending on the war that the film is about but for all intents and purposes, it’s pretty obvious.
Don’t get me wrong; Dunkirk was phenomenal. Without a doubt, Nolan did an amazing job with the movie, but I was bored to tears. I spent a good portion of the movie trying to figure out which One Direction member was in the movie, as well as why Nolan always feels the need to squeeze Tom Hardy in such small places. (A cockpit, that Bane mask, all the weird ass secret rooms in Inception.)
I just want everybody to stop making war films, that’s all. I just, don’t care? I don’t want to have to pretend that I knew what tall, brooding white dude did ten minutes ago. Honestly, looking at Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett at the same time during Pearl Harbor, I could not tell you who was who. Truthfully, I was under the impression that the movie starred Brad Pitt until I looked it up on IMDb ten seconds ago. People always complain that Asians all look the same, but nah, all white dudes in war movies look the same.
Maybe if there was some more variation in what actors looked like, I’d be able to survive the plot and care more. I don’t know; throw in an actual blond, or a red head. Maybe have a freeze-frame and point out who the hell is who to me every so often. I can follow the plot easily enough, the characters are just so muddled to me that I can’t follow anything and it’s damn frustrating. In fact, part of the reason why I liked Things They Carried so much was because everybody was easily distinguished, I was able to know who the hell was who, I felt like I was a part of their unit. Maybe that’s what I need: a better understanding of the character to tell them a part from each other. Maybe I needed to sit down and have dinner with Harry Styles, Panicked British Man, and French Guy to know that they were actually named Tommy, Alex, and …French Solider. Or, we could just making war movies all together.
