Please Stop Trying to Get Me to Watch Princess Bride
There’s a scene in A Clockwork Orange where the main character is held down and is brainwashed into hating violence and feeling nauseous every time he thinks of doing anything destructive. Though I haven’t personally been brainwashed by some retro futuristic-style government agency, I relate to Alex because I feel like I’m being strapped down to a chair whenever somebody tries to get me to watch The Princess Bride.
Every time I admit that I haven’t seen the movie, the person I’m with subjects me to a ten minute long monologue about how the movie was their childhood and therefore I had no childhood. I had one, thank you very much; I just watched other garbage movies that I view with nostalgia goggles, they just happen not to be The Princess Bride. Of course, this article (or is it entry?) alone is a soliloquy dedicated to how little I care about this movie, so I guess by writing this I am equally obnoxious.
To be blunt, this is how my average Princess Bride experience goes:
I’m minding my own damn business hanging out with friends, and they look at me after a riveting night of shooting the shit and crying over something stupid. They then ask if I want to watch Netflix. Since I know damn well that we’re not even going to pay attention to the movie or series we’re going to watch, I agree and boot up Netflix.
We’re scrolling through Netflix debating if it’s finally time I finally watch The Babadook or if we’re going to watch something like The Office for the fifth time, and then suddenly it happens.
“Oh my God, I love The Princess Bride, let’s watch that.”
I sigh, and agree as I explain that I have never seen it and as I press play I off handedly know I’m about to be bored for the next two hours.
Some old guy is reading a story to his grandkid, some joke that’s like “Inconceivable.” Candy Crush isn’t even relevant anymore, and suddenly I’m playing it because I couldn’t care less about the movie playing on the screen.
Somehow, I fell asleep and woke up as the credits roll.
My friend gets annoyed that I didn’t pay attention.
Obviously, I’m not being strapped to a chair having the movie force fed to me, but I feel like the concept of the movie is what’s strapping me down. You’re probably thinking, “Just watch it.” My intelligent response to that is, “Shut up.” I know, I’m being a child about this but I just have no desire to watch the movie. At this point, it feels like a chore to me and last thing I want to do is have chores related to movies. I’m a fun and hip twenty-two year old who can barely cook, learning to love The Princess Bride is not on my laundry list. It simply lacks my attention. (Wow, it’s as if as movie critics have a choice in what movies they watch.) Also, since it’s no longer nineteen-eighty-whatever, I think I’m safe if I miss out on a few references, since pop culture isn’t currently centered on that movie anymore, despite popular belief of white middle class college students. In general, I really don’t understand the millennial obsession with 80s films. Maybe it’s our way of saying “I wish I was born in the 80s” without actually saying it out loud. Everybody has their obnoxious obsession movie that they know all the lines too. Too many people I know have chosen The Princess Bride as theirs, while mine happens to be Clueless.
What I’m trying to say is, you could strap me down in a chair similar to that scene from A Clockwork Orange and force me into watching The Princess Bride and I will absorb nothing (by choice) and probably fall asleep (not by choice), even with my eyes pried open like that. Isn’t The Breakfast Club enough for you 80s obsessed goons?
